They have sex with you, your father and your mother. They may not mean, but they do. They hit you with a wooden spoon and also weaken you.
If you read the New York Times’ coverage of Ivana Trump’s funeral last week, you’ll know exactly who that redacted excerpt from Philip Larkin is referring to. It’s hard to feel sorry for the very awful rich—especially in the midst of a cost-of-living crisis—but I found myself feeling eerie grief over Trump this weekend, after reading about Ivana’s lavish but miserable farewell. Donald Trump’s first wife, who was found dead down her stairs this month, was carrying a gold-colored casket (of course), but the speeches were the real focus. Her children and a former nanny all provided eulogies that were equally strange and tragic.
Let’s start with the eldest: Donald Jr. Do you remember his warm mother whom he chose to recount at her funeral? By the time she disciplined him so severely, she had to stop getting tired. Donald Jr. once said, when they were children, his sister Ivanka accidentally destroyed an expensive chandelier. Ivanka – you will be shocked to hear it – she lied and said it was her brother’s fault; Then Ivana took out a wooden spoon to teach Donald Jr. a lesson. He kept insisting that Ivanka was the responsible party, but by the time he finally convinced his mother of his innocence, she was “too tired to deal with Ivanka”. (To be fair, he didn’t explicitly say she hit him with the spoon; she probably just tickled him with it.)
Then there was the time he was acting in a restaurant and his mother took him to the bathroom to show him “what Eastern European discipline really is.” After she ended her demonstrations, she said, “And if you cry, we’ll come back here and do this again.”
He chose these tales to share in his eulogy. Was she passive aggressive? Did he really think it was cute and funny stories? Probably. Despite the wooden spoon, Donald Jr. has remained in close contact with his mother. During the turmoil of his father’s presidency, Ivana called him, he said, to see if he needed to go back to live with her. “That call was at the same time the sweetest and most debilitating thing ever… She could do it to the best of their ability, usually on purpose.” ouch.
In the meantime, eulogy for Ivanka? She talked about her mother who asked her to wear shorter skirts. A little weird, but not as weird as the contribution of Dorothy Carey, former nanny to Ivanka, Donald Jr., and Eric. In a very dark speech, Carrie spoke of Ivana’s life turning into a “sinking swamp [of] parasites”.
Ivana’s funeral was not the first evidence that the Trump family may not have had the greatest adjustment to family life. Who can forget the former president’s meditation: “If Ivanka weren’t my daughter, I might have dated her”? Ivana’s diary is also full of dysfunctional habits – like when Donald Jr.’s father, Donald Jr., left on the tarmac because he was five minutes late.
A former college classmate of Donald Jr. once claimed in a Facebook post that he watched Donald Jr. slap his son in front of all his friends because he wasn’t wearing a suit; The slap was reportedly so hard that Donald Jr. fell to the ground. In 2000, during a dispute over his father’s will, Donald Sr. cut off health insurance for his severely ill nephew’s child. What a loving family.
This family dysfunction is rivaled only by the family of Ivanka’s in-laws, Al Kushner. Her father-in-law, Charles Kushner, once paid a sex worker $10,000 to seduce his son-in-law (who was cooperating with federal authorities in a legal case against Kushner) and recorded the confrontation on a hidden camera, later showing it. for his sister.
I’m not saying all this because I want everyone to feel sorry for Trump-Kushner, by the way. I just think it explains a lot. If these kids had gotten more hugs, the world might have escaped their worst hoax.